


Cast No Shadow

by aflawedwanderer



Category: Adam (2009), Charlie Countryman (2013), Hannibal (TV), Spacedogs - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M, Original characters but different stories, Rape (not too graphic), Violence, but also fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-08-30 20:45:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8548525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aflawedwanderer/pseuds/aflawedwanderer
Summary: By being this beautiful human being, Adam became his everything. The stars were fading away, but Adam was still there, and he made it all meaningful: his choices, his regrets, his life. And he was ready to fight for him, to save him from all his demons that were oh so numerous. He believed in all that, with just one look to this man, playing the piano as if he was the only person in the room.





	1. Chapter 1

                                                                 

 

 

The day starts by being a good one. The light of day awakens Adam from a good sleep, and the only thing he wants to do is stay in bed with him, in his arms, his scent everywhere around him. His chest hair is tickling his nose, not that it is a bad thing. His muscles are firm to his touch, his skin warm, him alive and more present than ever. He has been at peace, a peace he's so familiar with now, and yet so unfamiliar with.

Nigel, his Nigel, is like a break from a storm so destructive he couldn't see the end of it. It's as if he had given him all the answers he needed, and this rest, that came at exactly the right moment. Adam had felt like dying, and now he feels like he wants to live a thousand years only if Nigel is with him during all those seconds, minutes, of all those years. He needs him to live and breathe and see the beauty the world is trying to show him. By being this beautiful human being Nigel lets the world be beautiful. Without him… it's just dark, and cold. Nigel is everything, he's the rays of the sun and the light, the air. He's absolutely everything. Oh, how Adam worships the ground he's walking on, anything Nigel does is sacred and his every breath are the breaths he allows himself to take. If Nigel doesn’t breathe the same air as him then it's useless to just live. There's no need to have a god when you love someone this much, and God is nothing when you are loved just as much.

So yes, the day has been great so far. It would have been perfect if Nigel had joined him to eat lunch with him, but he wasn’t there and he was eating by himself, something he lost the habit to do. But it was okay, the kiss Nigel gave him this morning was still on his lips, he could feel him even if he wasn’t there, so he wasn’t sad. The day was still great. He didn’t think about the way that Nigel told him he loved him ten times, or that he hugged him stronger than usual. It was just his lover being too clingy, not that it was a problem. It was out of his routine but it was okay, since it was Nigel. Nigel.

The call he received during lunch was a mistake, he thought. Gaby didn’t know what she had said, she had drunk too much, even if it was a Saturday morning. So much she said terrible things, and Adam was mad at her for that. It wasn’t a good thing to lie and say that Nigel was dead. A terrible, terrible thing. Nigel would never be dead.

And yet, he went to where she told him to go. He didn’t know the place but the taxi driver knew, so it was okay. Gaby was her best friend, and yet she made jokes that she knew weren’t okay. Adam wasn’t a violent person at all, but he really wanted to slap her at the moment. He hoped he would be in control and wouldn’t do that, indeed he was upset but he didn’t want her to be. When he would arrive, he would take all the bottles she hadn’t drank yet and he would empty them in the toilet before throwing them to the bin. She always had the habit to drink too much, sometimes much more than Nigel, which always impressed them both. She sometimes looked so fragile and yet she physically and mentally was as strong as an army.

Metaphors were easier since he met Nigel, he always put so many of them in his phrases he would just mimic his way of talking. Nigel always had a funny way to talk, as if he wanted to create his own language, a mix of Romanian, English and many other languages only he knew. Smart, his Nigel also was. He was the only person in the world that was just… perfect.

The cab stopped to a building he didn’t know. His fear of the unknown was replaced by the fact that his friend was waiting for him inside, she needed him and at last, he could be of some help to Gaby when she was the one always being there for him. Today he would care for her and they would have a good day, which would be another happy memory with her and Nigel. If only he could be here at this moment, he didn’t know why but he particularly craved for his presence.

“Gaby?” he called when he opened the door of the apartment she told him to go to. “Gaby, it’s Adam.”

A door opened and then here she was, but she frightened Adam by the way she looked. He felt his heart beating faster and faster, without getting any control to it. He just looked at her, waiting for something, anything. Anything but what he thought she would say.

She wasn’t drunk, standing on her feet without any help, she was just… devastated. Her eyes were red and puffy, her face the same color due to the emotion, and she couldn’t stop crying and shaking. She looked at Adam, and didn’t make a move to approach him, she just stood there and gave him all the answers he needed. Of course.

“Nigel is dead,” said Adam plainly, not letting any emotion appear on his face.

Oh, but he felt a lot of things at this exact moment. It was a tornado of feelings, killing him on the inside, letting him seem detached on the outside.

For the second time of his life he felt like dying.

They killed his Nigel.

_He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead._

And Adam died with him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listened to a lot of beautiful songs to write this chapter, the one that inspired me was "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" by Oasis, which perfectly describes the Adam I'm planning to write about. But if you want one song to listen while reading this, then I suggest you "Hurt" by Johnny Cash. I know it's a very sad song, especially when you understand the meaning of it, but it inspired me so much for this. Yes, music will be very, very important for this fiction.

But, a year ago, dying was the last thing Nigel wanted to do, especially this evening. And fuck if he was going to meet her new boyfriend in a restaurant. Gaby knew he hated those places, but just because her new lover liked those – and she suddenly liked them too – he couldn’t make a suggestion for another place. Okay, she was the one deciding, and he was the bad friend who never supported her in her decisions, about restaurants or men, for that matter. But he wouldn’t spend two fucking hours surrounded by old, tight-assed people. And it was a Friday night, there were many more things he could do instead of that, he thought while looking at the back of a row of women that just passed him by. Many more things.

 

(8.45 PM) _Don’t you want to do something else instead? Drinks are on me tonight._

(8.47 PM) _Fuck, Nigel! You promised me!_

(8.47 PM) _Don’t ever believe a man love._

(8.50 PM) _I fucking hate you, you know that? I really wanted you guys to meet._

(8.51 PM) _Why do you want another man when you already have me? I never understood you._

(8.53 PM) _Piss off, when we’re out of bed you’re just an asshole who spends his days on drinking. I guess I deserved better??_

(8.53 PM) _Yeah, if you say so. Call me when you want a real man by your side._

(8.54 PM) _I’m twice the man you are, asshole._

(8.55 PM) _Fuck you._

 

Sighing, he put the phone back in his pocket and looked around him, wondering where he would spent the beginning of his evening. He looked at the bars of the street, but his choice was only made thanks to the brunette going in a bar he didn't know. Smiling, he threw his cigarette on the floor and went inside.

A band started playing at the moment he entered, making him forget the woman. He recognized the song quite easily since he always secretly loved it. It was “Hurt” of Johnny Cash, and the song had such a power he couldn’t not hear it. As if you could hear the man dying in the music itself, it always was so painfully difficult to listen to it and yet, he could never be able to just turn the radio off.

The singer on stage made a beautiful tribute to it and yet, he didn’t look at him once.

His focus was on the man playing the piano instead, who caught his eye the instant he looked at the scene. He was small, not because of his height, but because of his presence, as if he didn’t want to be here, rather hidden. But the man – boy? – kept on playing, his eyes closed, as if he had found a way to forget where he was, to be only by himself. The man kept on singing, his cover flawless, and yet Nigel couldn’t hear him, look at him. The pianist held a power only he saw, the eyes were on the beautiful singer but not his, and he focused of the music only the piano did, closing his eyes. His attention were on the notes, so beautiful and moving, it was as if he could feel them deep inside him. He opened his eyes again, to see that the said pianist was looking at him.

And they just looked at each other; Nigel had a smile, small but his eyes told it all, they were the softest Adam had seen in his life. Adam just looked at him, not showing anything, but his fingers missed a note, defecting the perfect music he was playing, making his eyes wander away from Nigel’s.

He didn’t admit at the moment, but it was at this moment that Nigel gave it all to Adam. Everything.

The song came to an end, in an abrupt way to Nigel, so entranced by it and the pianist he forgot that he was in a bar. He looked at him, his fingers still on the keys of the piano and looking at them as if he regretted putting a stop on his music. The noises people made by talking and drinking was louder, and for the first time it made Nigel wish he wasn’t here. He finished the drink he had ordered in one sip and without thinking much of it, made his way towards the scene. The musicians did their thing and the man didn’t make a move of his own, still staying still. He joined him by staying on the stool, appreciating the fact that it looked like it didn’t bother him. Closer to him now, he couldn’t be happier; he could feel his warmth, sense his smell and make him more real. More beautiful. He looked like he was the finest porcelain in the world, and a feeling of protectiveness submerged Nigel.

“You played beautifully,” was all Nigel said in a hushed voice, as to not frighten him. He was afraid he would go away if he talked louder.

“Thank you, but you should have kept your attention on the singer,” he whispered, still not looking at Nigel, while the only thing the latter wished to do was to see those blue eyes once again.

“I couldn’t have enjoyed the show in a better way, believe me.”

“What do you want?” he asked while finally looking at Nigel, or at his shoulder. But the older man couldn’t be bothered, he could see those eyes he already loved so much. Really, this boy was so beautiful his chest hurt at the sight of him.

“I just want to spend more time with you darling, you’re only one of the most fascinating men I’ve ever met in my life.”

“I’m not fascinating. In fact, I’m a simple person.”

But the blush in his cheeks told the contrary to Nigel, who just smiled more.

“Baby, you’re not. Let me buy you a drink, just this, and then you decide what you’ll do. I can’t let you go like this.”

“I don’t drink with strangers.”

At that, Nigel answered by holding out his hand. Out of habit, Adam shook it, yet not as firmly as the man beside him, and didn’t let go when he saw that the other wouldn’t either. “I’m Nigel,” the older man said.

“I’m Adam.”

“Are we still strangers?”

“I… I guess not.”

“Do you want to have this drink with me?”

“Yes.”

And with only that Nigel had such a big smile Adam wondered how a simple word like “yes” could make someone this happy. But seeing Nigel smiling this way only made him want to spend time with him, so that was what he decided to do tonight. It wasn’t on his schedule, he had planned to play and then go back home but, just this time, it felt right to do something that was out of his habits.

 

Nigel happened to be a very, very loud person, and Adam discovered he loved it, but only because him being this way was a sign of happiness. Or that was what Nigel had said when he asked why he talked or laughed so loudly. “Baby, I just can’t control myself around you,” he had answered exactly. Adam didn’t laugh at his jokes, they weren’t funny or he didn’t understand them, either way it didn’t bother Nigel, who just tried more and more to make him laugh. The only way he could make him smile was when it’s wasn’t made on purpose, but Nigel decided it was okay, and that he would learn how to make that smile appear on that beautiful face.

Nigel had ordered whisky, Adam Coke, and the latter had hated the taste of alcohol when he accepted to taste it. Nigel made him do things that were unusual to him, but it all seemed okay beside him. As if, beside him, he could do anything and it was all okay. Adam felt protected with the older man, even though he barely knew him, and it was a thing he admired a lot.

And Nigel had listened to him, even if sometimes he wouldn’t stop and would keep on talking about how fantastic working at the observatory was, and about all the constellations that were out there, shining and meaning everything to him. About music, too, that his father made him discover. He didn’t interrupt him once, the only thing he did while Adam was speaking was looking at him, in such an odd way the younger man couldn’t focus on anything but the drink in front of him.

They talked about a thousand things, in fact. So many things Adam hadn’t looked at his watch once, and the crowd of the bar grew bigger and bigger, his only interest was Nigel: he was an interesting person, scarred and strong but so kind he wondered how this personality could have this body. He wondered what happened to him before, how his life was before tonight, and why he decided to have a pin-up girl tattooed on his neck, but all of that was part of his mystery, and he didn’t want to discover everything tonight. Of course, the questions were on his mind, he really wanted to have all the answers, but then Nigel would say something totally opposite and he would smile at this, forgetting for a moment the physical aspects of the man.

“You are a very disturbing man Nigel, you shouldn’t have confused me like that when I was playing earlier,” had said Adam while looking at the man’s shoulder.

“Oh, because I confused you?” he asked while smiling, once again. Adam thought his cheeks would surely hurt from smiling so much. His did.

“Yes, you were looking at me in a very weird way, I didn’t understand why.”

“Yeah well it only happens when the pianists are this beautiful.”

“Next time you will not look at me like that, or I will be confused and then I will not play well.”

“Baby, you won’t make me stop looking at you.”

“I can, Steven said that if anyone would bother me he wouldn’t let them come here anymore.”

“You wouldn’t do that?” asked Nigel, stupefied.

“Yes, I would,” answered Adam in a serious tone.

And then Nigel laughed loudly, the younger man not understanding why. But he just watched him laugh, his head tilted back and his hand on his belly. He was a very, very beautiful man.

The only time Adam looked at his watch made him end the date in an abrupt way. Suddenly, standing up, he looked at Nigel and felt disoriented; he really shouldn’t be here at this hour, and he was supposed to wake up at 7 the next day. He would only sleep a couple of hours tonight, and it wasn’t nearly enough.

“I… I should go back home,” he said, looking at the exit.

“What, already?” asked Nigel, as if it was too soon to go. Maybe it was to him, Adam thought.

“Yes, I usually sleep at 11 PM, and it’s already 2 AM… I shouldn’t be here.”

“Can I at least bring you back home?”

Adam looked at him, and saw how sorry he was to say goodbye to him. The younger man felt a lot of things about that, without managing to put a name on those feelings. In only one night Night almost changed him, in the best way.

“No, but can you come back tomorrow? Only if you promise to not look at me while I’m playing.”

“Baby, I won’t promise that. But I can promise you that I’ll come back.”

“I’m very happy I met you, Nigel.”

He was startled when the older man put a hand on his cheek, and he knew we was blushing when he felt how hot his face was. But he wasn’t embarrassed in the least.

“I’m very happy I met you too, Adam.”

He smiled at him once again and then, he was gone.

 

The smile on his face wouldn’t go even minutes after Nigel was gone, even if he felt very tired. He put him in such a great mood he felt even light-headed: an odd sensation, he thought. Would he feel this way every time they will meet? He didn’t hope so, he didn’t want to frighten him. He was even glad the evening was spent with no trouble: not once Nigel made a comment about how… atypical Adam was, it was usually the first thing people would notice about him. Not this time. No, Nigel didn’t raise his eyebrows or laughed at him like they would, not once. He didn’t even ask what was “wrong with him”, even if he abruptly put an end to the date. He was such a nice man, and Adam wanted him to never feel like something was indeed wrong. This time, Adam tried to do a thing he thought he would never be able to do: he thought about his feelings. It was too soon to even feel anything about this man, but his mind was a turmoil of thoughts he couldn’t control. But his feelings told him that he wouldn’t get a chance to meet someone like Nigel a second time and that there was a reason his heartbeat went faster and faster with every word the man said… All of this meant a good thing, he wanted to believe that, so desperately. Every thing was new and unknown, but it was so happily welcomed too. Normal people surely felt the same things in that kind of situation, didn’t they? For one evening, he was normal.

But the evening had been too great, maybe. Maybe it was a reason why this had to happen. And great things had sometimes a terrible end, his father had told him one day, and it was only now he understood the meaning of it. The only thing he did was to go to the bathroom… He only wanted to wash his hands, it wasn’t something out of his habit. The whole evening had been an event he didn’t plan, but Nigel had put him at ease and during the whole moment he hadn’t felt bothered by the way things went. But now, things went the wrong way. He had tried to ignore the man who joined him in the bathroom, looking at him in a way he didn’t like. This look wasn’t like the ones Nigel gave him, it terrified him, as if the man had the right to do anything he wanted to Adam. They looked at each other by the mirror, Adam’s eyes fixed on his reflection, the man’s eyes reciprocating his gaze. Adam stopped breathing, the man smiled even more. Oh, he wished Nigel wasn’t gone.

And then, it all went so fast Adam didn’t remember seeing the man moving. His hands were suddenly on his waist, making him whimper. He couldn’t do anything, he was way too strong, but he tried anyway; he hit him, kicked him, but it made the man laugh even more. Not bothered in any way, he pushed him in one of the toilets, Adam suddenly sitting on the bowl. He didn’t want to yield, he knew deep inside him that he didn’t have a chance, that the man would do whatever he wanted to do to him. But he wouldn’t go unscathed. He wasn’t very strong, and yet he found a strength within him he didn’t know he had: and he used it again and again to hit him in the face, the chest, wherever he could reach. His kicks startled the man, impressed with the force of the blows but he didn’t let him give another punch and put once again his hands on his waist, and turned Adam around, the young man suddenly feeling the man’s chest on his back. He won.

Adam stopped fighting, suddenly very, very tired and motionless. He hid his face in his arms when he felt what the man was doing to him: how he unbuckled his belt, stripped him, put his calloused, strong hands on him, his chest, on his thighs… Adam couldn’t breathe anymore. He felt the seizure coming, stronger than ever, but this time it didn’t make him scream. It choked him, and he felt so hot he felt like his body, his head and eyes were burning. He couldn’t think, he didn’t want to.

He let the bigger man do whatever he wanted, since he was the one who had the control, the one who could do anything he wanted. He bruised him, hurt him and killed him, and he absolutely loved it. Adam waited, it was the only thing he did since he couldn’t think or move anymore. He didn’t even feel anything, which was a very good thing at the moment. The only thing he thought about was that he should have spent the evening as he always planned it.

All of this was Nigel’s fault. He should have been at home by now.

The man was merciless, groaning and thrusting into Adam as if he wasn’t human, just a hole. Maybe that was the only thing he was, since he didn’t act like people should during those moments. He didn’t fight or scream, just _fucking waited._

The man would stop eventually, he thought, but that moment seemed to never come, and at some time he felt so sick his body suddenly gave in.

And the only thing he remembered was his face hitting the cold tiles of the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'm sorry about the last part. It was hard to write it, and I swore to myself I would stop writing such terrible things even if I know it's a promise I can't keep. Especially for what I'm planning for this fiction.


End file.
